Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Slice of Life

       Another round of hurt again. Really bad as I feel like an outsider here where I grew up.
I went to my son's wedding and I was the only ONE on the grooms side of church. It was awkward.
My son came to my pew and thanked me for coming. He was dressed in black as I was. Wierd huh?
The five younger kids of his wife to be came and gave me hugs and said they missed me. Oh I missed them too but couldn't tell them why. I gave my son a card and a birthday card. His wife to be was 25 minutes late and her hair was wet (?) Her 10 kids sat down and my granddaughter sat with them. The wife to be came up to me pushing out her enormous pregnant belly with my grandchild due March 2016 and patted my hand and said we'd have to work on a friendship. My son told me it would take time or maybe never he said. Again there is no room for me. The pattern in past years is he disowned every family member even divorced his wife and now his new family with a dozen children is his family. I don't think I need to say more you can imagine.
  My camera would not work! Seriously? Why? So no photos of that day. I am not the same. I let God drive me home and I still cry at a drop of hat. I think of the song I am I said.

I don't know where I belong anymore. I can relate to the horse with no name.
I don't like the sound of being alone.
I know I must change my path once again and let God guide me.
I keep my faith and keep busy with walks and cooking. My roomate's busy with appointments on her calendar of lunches with friends caring for a dying friend etc. I find it is too emotional for me getting involved. I will miss her friend when his liver cancer takes him. I cannot watch someone slowly die.
After holidays I will ponder to know what to do. Princeton is calling me back but I don't know. It's the familiarity maybe? Well here's the song.


  1. Toodie, I think of the way the community in MO supported you during your hubby's hospitalization before you left. Seems the neighbors and friends you had there were more of a family to you than the family you missed so much you returned to your home state for them. Appears you are on a soul search right now and I feel for you. The disappointment you've endured this past year must surely be weighing heavily on you. I'm hoping by Spring you have a clear path to your future all plotted out. You are the only one who can make your future great again.

  2. I've been gone from blogging so long that I have no idea what happened between you and your son, besides the new wife and kids. I went back and tried to catch up, reading the past few pages of posts, but found no clue as to why you feel so alone. I did see where you said the friend who is dying of cancer was someone you didn't want to get too close to because you didn't want to lose them. I understand your feelings, but maybe, just maybe, you ended up back in your old stomping grounds just so you could spread your own
    brand of sunshine to those who need it most. And it seems a shame to me that you aren't sharing it with everyone around...including someone who will die soon. I know I laugh every single time I come to your blog. Always have. You have so much to give.

    I don't know the whys of you not being overjoyed at your new daughter in law....of course, if my son was marrying a woman with 10 kids and another on the way, I'd be sick to my stomach. But, he must love her??? And for your granddaughters sake and the new grandchilds sake, friendship of some sort will have to be found between the two of you, huh?

    You said in this post that you are missing Princeton, but when I read back trying to find out what happened to you and your son, it sounded like you've had a ball in your new old hometown. Going to McD's, going gambling, going to movies....my, your life has changed since I used to come by and visit. Hang in there. The sun will come out tomorrow...this gloom that has you singing I am, I said won't last forever. I love Neil Diamond, by the way....and I have loved that song since Hubby and I bought the album with it on there back in the 70's. It's sure a good song to lament to.

    But here is a new Neil Diamond song to be happy to....look it up on Youtube.

    "Melody Road"

    Melody road I'm on with you
    All the way to the end
    I know every song you lead me to
    It's gonna be my friend
    Melody road I play all night
    Take my guitar and strum
    Find me some words that feel just right
    The music's gonna come from melody road.

    Melody from the heart,
    Melody from the start,
    Telling things will be OK
    I'm thinking I just might stay
    On melody road!

    Melody road, let's go a mile
    I'll tie up my rambling shoes
    Write me a song to make you smile
    There's no need to sing the blues,
    On melody road

    Melodies that unfold,
    Melodies made of gold,
    Making up songs along the way
    I'm thinking I just might stay
    On melody road!


    Ringing out like a bell
    Singing out I can't tell
    I'm not alone!
    Melody road it's you & me
    Floating out on a dream
    I love every song that comes to me
    'Cause I know it comes to be
    On melody road, melody road
    Melody road, melody road
    Melody road!

    Learn it....and sing it from your heart....and smile! Hugs!!!

  3. I'm sorry Toodie. Things are going on with me lately that make me feel so alone too yet somehow there's reminders each day to show this isn't completely true. Grace and comfort to you my friend.

  4. It is sad that you are sad - again. There should be some sort of a shield for you that no more pain and sadness can get through. You have had enough, and it's blocking the brightness of your true self.

  5. I don't know what to say. We have been friends for quite a while now and I am sad to read this. I still have the name of my spaces blog that you made out of wood for me. It's still on my desk.
    I hope things change for you quickly.


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